One thing I learned as a child watching television in the 80s was this: if you were trapped in a garage with a few friends, you could build a tank out of almost anything.  Granted, I wasn’t part of a crack commando unit, but it seemed that once a week you could find old parts lying around the garage, use some tools that happened to be sitting there, and turn anything from a farm tractor to an old delivery truck into an armor-clad, bulletproof assault vehicle complete with guns, flamethrowers and rocket launchers.  With this is mind, I decided to see what could be built with parts found in my present-day garage.

I found a roll of paper towels, a deck chair, two old tires, hornet spray, a Weber charcoal grill, 6 Tiki torches and a 22-year-old boat propeller.  We will be strapping all of this onto a 1982 convertible K-car.  Let’s get started!

First off, we’ll mount the two tires on the front bumper by tying them on with an orange extension cord which was lying on the ground.  This will soften the blow when our sergeant crashes the car through the closed garage door, surprising the group of thugs waiting outside for our surrender.  Let’s assume the car is already backed into the garage because there isn’t enough room to turn it around.  We’ll remove the trunk lid and place the deck chair in there facing backward.  This way, our rather eccentric pilot can sit in the back and keep an eye on forces gaining from the rear.  He can hold up the round lid from the grill to shield his face, assuming the enemy is only throwing rocks and not firing bullets.

With the top down and lit Tiki torches wedged upright between the seats, a strong steady blast of the hornet spray will provide our flamethrower.  I think it’s flammable, but I haven’t really tried this, nor would I suggest it.  With some bungee cords from the trunk, I’ll make a slingshot to send that propeller airborne.  Weighing eight pounds with three roughly five-inch blades, it will act as a very large Ninja throwing star.  I have only one of these, so I need to make that shot count.  I’ll probably launch that through the radiator of the lead car following us.  This will make that vehicle inoperable and since the lead car always turns sideways in the street when disabled, the other pursuing cars will be unable to pass and continue the chase.

At this point, we can surround the gang of miscreants, tie them up with the extension cord and leave them for the authorities.  Now we just need to avoid the Military Police.